jokes for magazine in english

I’m thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in my life. Apparently I owe them $800. We missed the R! “From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!” Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. 'I have a sweet tooth.' – Demetri Martin"My wife said, 'Rob, I'd love to have children.' Now, let’s see some words that appear in the jokes. In fact, my name is Murphy.”, “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”, “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. In the publication, the company joked about possible reference to Fla striker Gabriel Barbosa, spotted in a casino in São Paulo and arrested by the police. “How did you do it?” he asked. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.” “Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! – Laughfactory.com, “Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? A Project of The Internet TESL Journal. Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. I thought: 'Fair enough, that makes sense.' Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Should be fun, but it costs $500. “Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede, but there’s no answer from the box. “Think about it,” the professor answered. Funny Jokes. You're not supposed to do any of those things. “Mr. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.” The defendant leaps to his feet. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.” “I know,” says the second dog owner. How are you?”, “OK,” says the first producer. If you do not understand English, press 2.” – Recording on an Australian tax help line. One time I did a real good set and these motherfuckers called me into the back room. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.' I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. Who’s there? My father-in-law calmly shook his head. I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one o’clock in the morning. For South Africa to achieve that kind of black-white wealth gap, we had to construct an entire apartheid state denying blacks the right to vote or own property. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous. These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart! Now, I'll be honest. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”. Can I join you?” “Why, am I falling apart?” I replied. “They hurt my feelings.” – A. P., via e-mail. Got anything less expensive?” Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?” Submitted by Bill Warren. Do you like playing tricks on people? So good night. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. “You cheap bum!” she yells. If you like these short jokes, check out more funny puns here. Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. Later, they order an other round. I'm just honoured to be witnessing your process?' The Easter Bunny. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”, They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. The light goes off.”. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” – Stanley Heerboth, “My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next year’s yard sale items.” – @cravin4. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. – Rob Brydon“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, be lucky.’”"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. - Gary Delaney, "I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. The game was valid for the third round of the Guanabara Cup, in Maracanã, in Rio de Janeiro. “Eight dollars,” I answered. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please? The Sears family photo was always a little tricky for us. He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. Kids jokes in hindi : “paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”. – Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody; it was a Chinese restaurant. The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. Here are some of the most hilarious jokes that will get a laugh from adults and children: Funny knock knock jokes for kids. – Marie Faustin, comedian. 'Sorry, the guns have jammed and we've lost all our armour, but we still have positive body language; that ought to see us through some desert combat. I said to my parents, 'Let’s not stop now. ", On misogyny:“I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. ""I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. '”"I do love our excuses [for eating dessert]. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house and left it there all night. So at one point I stopped and I said: 'Look man I've given you the paperwork, I've told you why I'm here, why don't you believe me?' That would have served us well. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. Ever wondered how “why did the chicken cross the road” became a thing? ", “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” - Robin Williams“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. “What’s wrong?”, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. “Now, sure. Magazine. Submitted by Ken MacKay. ", “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. The jury comes back with the verdict. Breathe! Bad example.”, “It's fun telling people you go to McDonald's. Just you. "Ken Jeong's favourite joke, "I go through customs and the guy asks me, 'Do you have any alcohol? You won’t believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. “How old are you?” “Thirty-six.” Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, “I must be the most unobservant person in the world.” Then I thought, “Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just haven’t noticed before.” Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”, Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. A: Copies. Tomac. They got six months each.” – Alex Del Bene. Check out our best short jokes! When he touches it, a genie comes forth. '""Police arrested two kids yesterday. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machine—spring cleaning and all that. ". “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.” “How do you put up with it?” “I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.” Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. It can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg, “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller. The bartender shakes his head. Interest. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.” Anonymous, …After security tackles you on the red carpet? Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. He’s in the village over the other direction.”. “I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.” “What did he say?” the nurse asks. I've been ill.'""I had a meal last night. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. !” Doctor: “Nine.”. – Eddie Izzard“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” – Ken Cheng“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. That’s what women are dealing with. A: A steeping bag. Watching it unfold was like watching my father being molested by a clown. The man replied, 'I know. '""Somebody just gave me a shower radio. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. But that's just because I'm British. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. © 2021 Reader’s Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), This site uses “cookies” for the purposes set out in our Privacy Policy. He really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.”. “How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective. Oh, so you're ordering it for your tooth, that's interesting. One-liner. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. “Did you hit him with the golf club?” “Yes, I did,” sobs the woman. – @dadsaysjokes, “If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria’ at my wedding, I would be like, ‘Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? Submitted by Andre Batista. '""A man walked into the doctor's. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. - Victoria Wood"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. “So, as you can see,” I said, “I’m doing a lot more than inflating at my desk.” I got the raise. Oh look, just put me down for five.” Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: “What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?” “He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness. ""The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “A gorgeous blonde. The format featured brief humorous essays, short satires, cartoons and light verse. Student: A drinking problem. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!” – Rodney Dangerfield. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out. Pantomime cartoons were grouped into a section titled "Too Funny for … These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! Match each joke beginning (1 to 6) with its corresponding. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. - Billy Connolly"Specialisation means that everyone becomes better and better at less and less and eventually someone will be superb at f***-all." - Matt Kirshen"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. The best jokes for kids in english have been compiled by us to hold your child’s attention. A study by OnePoll.com has compiled a list of the best British jokes. Jokes Funny. These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. They don't techno for an answer." Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! '""If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it? Then I thought: 'Holy shit, what if I had a pussy on me all the time? “Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don't die. “And how are the American students, Donald?” she asked. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend. 'Where you off to tonight? “You have one of the most stressful border controls I've ever come into in my life. My Uncle G: You’re going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, “You must have had a lot of husbands!” Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. “That’s my twin sister. “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend. I’ll ask your sister. “My life is a mess,” he says. “Why are you washing it?” my brother asked, perplexed. Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butcher’s the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” – Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Driver’s Joke Book, “If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die.” – @hodgesboi15, “Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them.” – Rita Rudner, A mom texts, “Hi! “Now what do you want?” the woman asks. Funny Family jokes collection submitted by our members includes life jokes, marriage jokes, husband and wife jokes, mother and father jokes, and so on I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.” Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back. Funny Jokes and Memes. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! See more Cat Jokes. “I have to walk back alone.” Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office. I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. – Rhod Gilbert“My husband’s penis is like a semicolon. “Wow these drinks are big!”, The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”. There they taught me how to be neutral. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. He’s done it again!”, “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. What’s the point?” - Alexei Sayle"I doubt there's a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare." - Ronnie Corbett"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I." “Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.” – @domesticgoddss, “My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! Valentine's Day Cards. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. To review this information or withdraw your consent please consult the, Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. '""You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Look no further than our pick of the best jokes in the world.Howl as Garry Shandling delves into his 'personal stash' for us. During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—six and eight years old—were being home-schooled by their mom. '", "I was in bed with this woman and she said, 'Hey, not in the ass.' The son comes home in the afternoon. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said. “Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom. How’s it work?” “Watch,” said the drunk. “And what sort of case was that?” “My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. – Joel Dommett“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” - Joe Bor“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. The apprentice did just as he was told. These publications often offer satire and parody, but some also put an emphasis on cartoons, caricature, absurdity, one-liners, witty aphorisms, surrealism, neuroticism, gelotology, emotion-regulating humor, and/or humorous essays. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’” Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, “You can come out of the computer now, Grandma!” Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. Vocabulary . “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. No.2 is death. Well, I guess that settles it! The library must be full of them. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. Valentine's Day Giggles. We haven't seen an American so owned by a Russian since Rocky IV. So we stopped playing chess." I didn't have to come out to my parents as black. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. • Grammar – the present perfect. “There’s a nasty bug going around.” Submitted by D.G. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Snake 2: I don’t know. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? These smart light bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Look no further than our pick of the best jokes in the world. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' “Oops.” Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. We missed the R!”, “Father!” cries the young monk. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. “You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”, “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. “Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one said. Which is what gave me the courage to do it. “No,” she said. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. We'll see about that." Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. You go to a party, there’s nobody there. “That’s him,” comes the reply. ""A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' ", "I picked up a hitchhiker. - Imran Yusuf"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. “I’m putting on my shoes!” Anonymous. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. To which the answer is, 'Well, clearly that's fine, then. It read, “Mr. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up. But I can't believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. Subscribe to Newsletters. The two jokes in this lesson have the following titles: Dog Bite & Weather Forecast. It's too much of a gamble." “You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.” Submitted by L.B. Theatrical play. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know...”"An original idea. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. A smile is like an instant facelift and an instant mood lift. “Will I die?” she asks. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”. They can be used to entertain children in a classroom. I think that’s what women like.' At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha! "Steve Hall's favourite joke, "A friend will help you move. “How do you know?” “My dog told me.” Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. Submitted by Reid Faylor. “Here's the amazing part. moments. Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. Are you at peace with God?”, Larry replies, “God and I are tight. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. Jokes in english and zulu. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Father Christmas. Next, he moves into the dining room. And he brought me this lobster. Now he won’t come when I call him. And we probably should have known how this was going to go, based on this, because right off the bat [shows clip] you can see here Trump looks over at Putin as they sit down in front of the media and gives him a little wink. Funny Pictures And Videos. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”, “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences. Is anyone going, 'Bingo, you got me, I didn't see that question coming. I said, 'Not only that,' I said. What’s it called? I’ll tell you what—never again. They gave me $25,000 in cash. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. Laurel and Hardy." It all happened so fast.”, A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. $10 fine. Reason being, things work." Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. “But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”, He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”, The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”, The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”, “I come from a stupid family. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? “You were looking for a piece of plastic. Play with Words – Illogical, Yet Funny English Language Why is English such a difficult, illogical, yet funny language Palindromes English Is CUH-RAY-ZEE English’s most terrifying … Seasonal Jokes. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”. “That’s Mum’s side.”. They always give you that look like, 'Oh, I didn't know I was better than you. “You’re it!” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. Death is No.2. We trained for decades and you just waltzed in and won the gold medal.”On flying in to the UK: I think your ass owes your tooth an explanation. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while they’re camping? “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. As a result, while in uniform, I’m often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. I played a wall once. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.”, The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. '""I wrote a suicide note once and it said: 'I'm not mad at anybody, this is just something I wanted to do for myself. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' Daddy! She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. Submitted by D.T. Later they get together. She’s been here six months. You can meet short jokes everywhere – over the radio, in the pauses between the television programs, in modern magazines and common newspapers, and of course in … “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. – Reddit.com. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. I kill their plants and I love mischief. '""My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. Now he’s the village blacksmith. “And for a shave?” “Five dollars.” “All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. One in 1. Thanks for watching. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe“I have downloaded this new app. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.” Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. – Reddit.com, “If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that ‘all sales are vinyl. ", “I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down.

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